Pressed in tight, that is how I have been feeling. It brings me back to the Saturday morning game of Legos I played as a child. We didn’t have instructions just a big box filled with legos in every shape and size. The loud roar of colored pieces crashing onto the carpet in my older brother’s room always sent tremors of creativity to each of us as we focused in on the pieces we wanted to use for our creations. Spotting the coveted long rectangular green base piece sticking out of the mountain of legos, I snatched it before Mark or John had spotted it. I would need it to build my fort. With red and yellow, white, and blue blocks I began construction.
The walls were built in so tightly there was only room left for a lego figure to stand upright inside the middle. Carefully I covered the top with the long gray thin pieces I had gathered. With delight, I shook the little figure inside to hear it click back and forth. Meanwhile, I looked to see what Mark was designing. He was making a space vehicle out of gray pieces, and Jon was making a lego launcher. I put down my fort, forgetting about the cramped space I left for the lego guy. I wanted to help Mark find more gray pieces. Sadly, the imprisoned lego man in the multicolored fort was pushed to the side of the lego mountain as it’s designer became busy with another project.
In times of pressure, I wonder in my most desperate moments, if this is what God is doing to me. It seems as if he was spending a lot of time with me. Choosing special blocks to make my life more blessed, and then all of a sudden things take a turn. I start to feel vulnerable and insecure. Is He finished with me now? Did He take me this far just to abandon me for something or someone else? At such moments of discouragement, I might even start to look around and compare my life to others I see.
“But God it’s not fair that you came through for her, but I am still standing here in this tiny place feeling smothered by the pressures of life. Certainly, I heard you right? Or did I?”
All the goodness I thought was within me, in the depths of my soul like a reservoir, has been pressed. Pressed to seeping and now I feel in danger of it springing a full leak and draining completely. Where is the joy? If it is something you can conjure up I am failing. I have 50 reasons why I got here and 30 reasons why it’s not fair. But in the moment of truth, I don’t need reasons I need an answer, Jesus!
I don’t merely conclude it, I shout out the name, “Jesus!” Not so much out of confidence, but out of pain. I am disappointed that when I am pressed I can’t just bounce back. I have often thought that Christian living should be like a plastic lego figure that keeps it shape no matter where it is placed. It maintains it ‘s painted smile no matter the outcome. It continues to serve it’s purpose unmarred, unsullied. But in real life we face complexity. When the pressure is on our physical bodies respond in tears or headaches. When the storms rage people desert us or we are tempted to run. When the pressure is mounting foul words or ugly thoughts can blind us. All such responses shame the Christian ideal I learned in Sunday school: Read your bible, pray every day and you’ll grow, grow, grow.
In such moments I have to take the time to define my purpose again. I am here with walls closing in to serve Jesus. I have joy in the midst of the pressure and uncertainty because I have Jesus. In an atmosphere that is beyond my interpretation, I cling to Jesus. I have surrendered my life to Jesus therefore, I will trust that he has my best interest at heart. I won’t give up, I will lean in. Such a conclusion doesn’t come without tears, emotional struggle and anguish of soul.
I have concluded that my mouth might fail me. My heart might fail me. But if I lean into God He will never fail. I serve him but the storm makes my focus blurry. So I will lean in closer to the cross. I will bend my knee further toward my Savior. I will remember it is the Church on earth that reflects the living God and I will fight to love her. To not turn from her or give up on her in frustration or disillusionment. Oh Lord, may my love be shown through surrender.
Unlike the little girl forgetting her creation, God the Father does not forget His own. He is working in each of our lives even in the hard times. Unfortunately, we are not made of plastic, but of flesh and blood. Trials hurt us, but hope rises as I remember that Jesus came to earth to take all such pain upon his own shoulders to pay the price of sin and death for me. He is Emmanuel, God with us in every hardship, in every storm. When my life feels broken into a million lego pieces scattered on life's floor I can still trust that my Heavenly creator will put me back together again. On that day, when I stand made whole in His gentle hand I will again declare, He is good.
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