Pink or Blue?

   

    I could hear the pitter patter of the rain hitting the window sill as I opened my eyes. The day had finally come. Yes, I had been carrying this baby for five months but I hadn’t really considered what it would be like to find out if it is a boy or girl.

    My older children were all still asleep because they didn’t have school. My two daughters were sprawled out in Elaina’s room obviously worn out from a late night of giggles and secrets. In the next room, my teenage son couldn’t be stirred from his dreams to play out in the icy driveway with his Father. All three of them have passed the point of the childish wonder of an ice storm. It is on such a gloomy morning we would find out who the new little addition to our family would be.

   Long gone were the toddler toys, baby swing, and high chair. All the child safety locks had been thrown out years ago. But turning the corner of the kitchen to the hallway I knew that life had brought on a new season, a curve in the road this family with two “tweens” and a “teen” had thought we were on.

    From day one my vote for Girl or Boy wavered when my son broke something while launching a ball, or my daughters threw a fit about a clothing catastrophe. But as I made my morning shake I felt a giddy wonder fill my mind.  Family=chaos, but it also brings laughter and connection, and what would a new baby bring?

    I always joked that I would have one more boy and name him “Paulie.” But the rest of the family moaned at the idea. “Mom, we are fine just the five of us,” they said in chorus.

    But low and behold today I would find out if I would get a “Paulie.” As the months had gone by I had felt a word rising up in me every time I thought of this child, “Hope.” Could that word indicate it was a girl? I didn't know. I couldn’t remember how I knew I was having girls 11 years ago. I stood baffled by the possibility.

Brad knocked on the bathroom door, “Dianne it’s time to go, we don’t want to be late.” Putting down the blush brush I called back, “just a minute.”

    It is amazing to think how life can change in just a minute. Brad had been happily going along in life as a youth Pastor enjoying lifting weights and spending time with his growing kids on the morning I bought the pregnancy test from Walmart for $3.99. Before we went to lunch on our day off I decided to check. I had been feeling strange and acting stranger lately, what was wrong with me? In less than a minute I called from the bathroom, “Brad, come here.”

    As we looked at the two pink lines we knew our lives were taking an unexpected turn, but instead of crying we laughed. “Why not?” we said looking at each other unable to process the news the test had revealed. Four months later I tried to snap my coat over my swollen stomach. It had been my favorite coat but the zipper had broken a few weeks ago. I knew today that as soon as I sat down in the van the snaps would pop open. Carefully he escorted me to the waiting vehicle.

    Again I wondered if I would find out if I was having a “Paulie” or a “Hope.” I thought of all the things that make my son and daughters different. My mind started to make comparisons as my husband carefully pulled out into traffic and made his way to the doctor’s office. There were promising qualities in both boys and girls. Picturing my son I thought: Boys are rambunctious and energetic while girls are thoughtful and careful to please. Thinking of my daughter Lydia I thought: Boys are trying to be helpful while girls are trying to be pretty and clean. Thinking of the way my daughters Elaina and Lydia laugh together I thought: Boys are loud, and sometimes girls are louder. The comparisons went on: Boys like trucks and girls like dolls. Boys think blue, girls think pink. Boys like to throw things, girls like to dance... The ignition turned off as Brad looked at me with an excited smile, “We’re here.”

    In my contemplation, I hadn’t shared a word of my thoughts, but I could tell from his eyes he too was trying to guess which it would be. Oh my, such pressure. Thankfully we don’t really get to choose. The decision has already been made for us. Knit together in my womb a child has been forming behind closed doors. A destiny has been developing mostly unknown to us. But on the careful walk through the icy parking lot into the building, we braced ourselves for the ultrasound.

     Lying on my back with the help of warm jelly on my tummy the technician looked at the hazy shapes forming on the screen. The unseen world was suddenly appearing in shadowy images she decoded as feet, and legs, arms, and torso. I looked intently at the grainy image trying to spot what I thought was the head only to find out it is actually the bottom, sorry little one. I smiled at Brad as we heard the heart beating while she studied its chambers.

Finally, she asked, “do you want to know if it is a boy or girl?”

“Yes,” we said together.

    As Brad held my hand she narrowed in on the legs of the child. As much as I tried to pretend I could tell what I was looking at I felt as if I was looking at an inkblot drawing. As the baby shifted from folded legs she announced, “It’s a…

    Blue or Pink? Little adorable baby dresses or bow ties and suspenders? Noisy cars or fancy dolls? Bouncing balls or dancing shoes? As Brad looked at me, the strong man suddenly softened by the prospect of parenthood. We looked closer at the shadowy image as she narrowed in and typed the word as she spoke.

“It’s a boy.”

He laughed and I said, “Oh.”

    It’s a boy. My future would be filled with trucks and bouncing balls. I guess I thought it was another girl. I understand girls. In that moment I felt myself saying, “Hang on Dianne, you are in for a ride.” Thankfully as I sat dazed the ultrasound reports came back positive that our baby boy appeared to be healthy.

    Taking a moment to process I squeezed Brad’s hand. The adventure continues, and it is time to crack open the “Bringing up boys” book that I haven’t read yet.  That is the special gift of parenthood. You are not given the opportunity to choose if you will have a girl or boy, or what your child will like or dislike. What they will look like or how talented they will be. No, such descisions are held in the Creator God’s hands. In that moment I decided I will learn how to train up another little boy, I will learn what I have needed to learn and will become better.

   Such thoughts are common to the parent. We want the best for our kids, but I am humbled by the experience. I know that with all my great intentions I still can’t squeeze out enough of what a little human being needs. I have to spend time with the Creator God who designed and fashioned these little blessings in my womb.

   Having a household full of three older children entering into the teen years has taught me that family=chaos, but it also gives room for the greatest picture of grace and forgiveness that I have ever beheld. So, even though I feel challenged to bring another son into the world when I have majored in pink, frill, and pearls I know I must embark on a new adventure.  Surrendered I join Brad, the proud daddy of another son to be delivered in early June with a hearty “Why Not!”