King Of My Heart

Let the king of my heart be the fire inside my veins

The echo of my days,

Oh, He is my song…

    As I listened the song filled my kitchen this morning as the day was awakening before me I felt a stirring deep within. The picture of fire has often come into my mind when I think of the reason that I live. Not a blaze but a passion kindled within. I have always been a fighter. Not with fists but with ambition.

    From the family line up I never felt content with being third behind my older brothers. At school, I was never satisfied with being average. Without question, I pushed myself to overcome the obstacles I faced with all my strength. I laugh as I remember challenging my oldest brother to race me repeatedly always hoping if I could just win I could somehow move from little sister to somewhere more like an equal.

    Sometimes in the ambition, in the fight, in the focus one can lose hope. In Ninth grade as I began to hang around a group of kids that slunk together at the corner of the school away from the gaze of watchful teachers, I began experimenting with cigarettes and marijuana. As I hung with them my ambitious attitude began to change to something more laid back.

    They would say I was finally relaxing, but I knew I was losing myself in the smoky air of the amber colored van we gathered in. It was in my sophomore year that I first heard the Lord pierce through the dazed and confused thoughts as he began to melt the icy covering around my heart with His fire.

    It was in the surrounding of a cast dressed as Israelites for an Easter play that I whispered to Him, “God if you will change me I will serve you with all my heart.” Tears threatened to reveal to the Galileans, Roman guards, and Disciples that I was actually a “sinner” coming to peace with God. On the blue worn carpet, I stared at the floor willing the tears back as the actor playing Jesus prayed.

In all my wandering I was really desiring the community I felt in that gym surrounded by orange painted faces bowed in worship to the unseen God. Though unseen I could feel his fire inside my veins…

     After that encounter, I started to reach out to the friendly people at the church. I spent lighthearted and peaceful Sunday afternoons with other Christian students and their parents. Embarrassed and defeated I went home to the “war zone” I would call it, an atmosphere tense with problems, anger, and isolation.

     The only thing I knew to escape the depression always pressing in on me was to hide away. In my room, I cracked open the brown covered bible I had received at the end of Fifth grade from Grace Brethren Church. On the front, my name was spelled in gold foil cursive letters, but the true gold was found inside.  

    For the first time in countless attempts, I got passed Genesis and Exodus. Somehow in the ancient writing, I started to connect to a bigger story than I had ever known. Somehow I started to believe that I was to play a part in the story. As I read I could feel His fire in my veins as I heard Moses cry out, “Please Lord I have never been eloquent… I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.” God replied, “Who has made man’s mouth? Or who makes him mute or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? (Exodus 4:10.)

    In the quiet of those hours alone in my room, I began to see Him, hear Him, and know that He had a plan for my life. Again I started to pursue God with my ambitious nature. I would sing for Him, I would talk about Him, I would go to Bible College to represent Him. I would try with all my might because he was like a fire inside my veins…

     It was much later that I realized that true victory is not found in the pile of things I have done for Him. Unfortunately, there was not enough recognition to feed my insecurities. No true victory was found in that secret place of drawing near to the Ancient One. When I finally stopped working and sat in His presence sometimes with the bible open, sometimes with a song playing, but many times with nothing but a longing… I felt His fire afresh in my veins.

    As I look back over the years, living a committed life as a Jesus follower I cannot say that it has been perfect, or without messes, but it has been blessed. I can’t look back without seeing the faces of teenagers getting set free, I can’t look back without seeing the deep friendships I have encountered as we shared our very hearts. In all the messes, sacrifices, and sorrows I can’t help but hear Him echoed in my days.

In conclusion, I would say it has been worth it all. And He indeed answered the cry of a teenage girl in a little Church gym as she prayed, “God if you change me I will serve you with all my heart.” This is the fire in my veins and I pray that it will be the echo of my days, Oh Lord You are my Song.