Goodbye Insecurity

    Insecurity is an ugly monster I have carried around with me a long time now. I think I have tried to shake her off a few times but she is very hard to get rid of. She is like that little cough, that lingers after cough syrup and antibiotics. She has dressed up differently in every stage of my life.

     When I was five she had big eyes that didn’t blink, because of an older friend to my best friend Christy, who called me a “stare bug.” I wasn’t even sure what "staring" was, but I knew it must be bad. As a result, I blinked profusely for the next few years.

    When I was 10 Insecurity had a big gappy grin. As I stood in line for cafeteria hot lunch she reminded me to keep my mouth shut, so no one would have an opportunity to make fun of the large gap between my front teeth. Thankfully braces took care of her for a time.

    When I was fifteen she wore a blotchy acne prone complexion. At that time she had grown in size and power over me. She also had a list of relationship failures to throw in my face, and an awkward walk to remind me I didn’t really fit. Unfortunately, this is when she started to take over my life.

     Church silenced her for short periods of time. Prayer pushed her out of the room and down the hall, but somehow she found new ways to enter my life. After a short time in church, after the glow of new found grace had worn off, I started to compare myself to others. She loved this very much and chimed in. “Dianne, if you really want to be righteous like Christ you need to wear dresses. Make sure the church people don’t know about the troubles at home, they wouldn’t like you if they knew about your mess.”

     Soon I had a self-righteous fortress around myself that Insecurity laboriously built for me. She took note of all the ways everyone else seemed to be better than me and added new rules to the list. Soon I was the meekest little church girl you ever did see, that is on the outside. But inside trouble waters were brewing.

Later after Bible College, and a few years into marriage I started to notice anger spilling out of me as my little ones toddled around. Looking up into crazy eyes they innocently asked, “What’s wrong Mama?”

In frustration, I would say, “Mommy just needs a time out right now.”

One day after explosion number 1809 I found myself on the floor in my bathroom in a crumpled pile of self-pity. All alone accept for my unwanted companion Insecurity I cried out to God for help. All of a sudden a light bulb went on inside, as a new revelation became clear: I already have the victory in Jesus name.

So I got up onto my feet and I began to speak out loud to Insecurity. 

“Listen up!  I said.

“God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind. Secondly, I am a daughter of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, and he hasn’t left me high and dry but he has invited me to be seated with him in heavenly places. So ugly lies you better go, because my Daddy is about to deal with you. And not only that but I have the mind of Jesus Christ and he is “El Shaddai” the Almighty God, He is more than enough for all of my not-enough. So right now I tell you in the authority of Jesus Christ. Insecurity, get out of here and don’t come back.”

     In that moment, something heavy lifted off of me, and I instantly felt whole. In one moment of speaking the Word of God over myself, Insecurity had to get lost. I wish I could say that was the end of the story, but it really was only the beginning.

     Insecurity constantly waits at the end of the block to whisper new lies to me. She waits at the drinking fountain, and around the corner, but I am growing wiser to her sneaky ploys. Today she found a fresh way to get at me, but as I sit here remembering the truth. 

    I am uniquely fashioned in the hands of God to do good works he planned in advance for me to do. Let me say out loud, so she can know for sure I know the truth, that she is defeated. Jesus is victorious and I have the victory in Him, so goodbye Insecurity, it wasn’t nice knowing you.