I sat in the front row as the pretty author shared about her latest study on mentoring other women. Trying to follow along on the outline she gave us I felt torn between the blanks I needed to fill in and what the real life speaker had to say. She was older than me probably by a decade, but it was hard to believe she had struggled as her story portrayed. I was again reminded that outward appearances don’t reveal the true story.
To help us remember her lecture and the importance of connecting with other women she called us to partner up for an exercise. Sitting in the front the two ladies next to me partnered up, but I was partner-less, which was ok with me as I was feeling vulnerable in the big room without a friend. Because of my position the speaker called out over the microphone, “who will partner up with this young lady in the front row?”
I smiled but felt embarrassed as a lady in the 10th row volunteered to be my partner. As the leader observed the entire room partnering up she said, “Ok now that everyone is paired let me tell you what we are going to do. For the next 60 seconds, I want you to stare into the eyes of the woman next to you.” A mixture of sighs and laughter erupted as she hushed us, “Now get ready,” she said looking at her watch, “Go.”
So I looked into Lena's eyes. She had a round face with a fun loving smile and average looking eyes. She didn’t wear eye makeup or seem to be particular about grooming her eyebrows, but she seemed comfortable with herself. I felt embarrassed that I had to look so long into her eyes, but she calmly looked back into mine. Finally, the minute passed, and a sigh went out across the room as all the ladies felt relieved that the exercise was over.
The knowing smile on the speaker’s face told us she knew exactly how we felt. She pointed out how rare it is to really look into the eyes of another woman. After asking a few women how they felt about it, she called us to another exercise. “Ok ladies, with the same partner you will look into each other’s eyes again, but this time ask God to reveal to you something about them, on your marks, get set, go!”
Looking into Lena’s eyes for the second time, I prayed. God what do you want me to see. As I looked deeply into her eyes I thought she looked carefree and happy in her own skin. She returned my gaze as she too searched. I felt strange and vulnerable, but I felt better thinking about who this woman really was. When the time was over we both were shocked how the time went a lot faster on the second exercise. As the speaker encouraged each of us to share what we felt God had revealed Lena went first.
“As I looked into your eyes, this might sound weird but I just thought you are sad. Is that true?”
Taken aback I couldn’t speak. Normally an honest person, I quickly muttered, “That’s interesting, I thought I saw in your eyes that you are happy and carefree.” I said this with a smile, but I refused to look her in the eyes. As the speaker started into the rest her message I felt relieved to skirt the issue. Was I really sad? I was so shocked by her honest observation I felt numb. Soon she returned to her seat, and I felt embarrassed that I couldn’t be transparent though she was a stranger. Ironically, I had spent the whole day as a stranger in this conference hall. There wasn’t a single person who knew the real story of Dianne Singleton.
The rest of the day I began to feel sad because I realized that her observation did ring true. I had grieved the loss of some dear friends that had just moved away, and my life was going through a huge transition both at home and in my career. I felt insecure, abandoned, and particularly alone.
Though I couldn’t let Lena, the stranger I had just met over two minutes of intense eye contact, know that she was right, I am thankful that I did get down to the real issue. On the long drive home in my minivan, I prayed. “God, I am sad. She was right, and I don’t know how to get through this. I am disappointed at where I am and I don’t know how to break through the barriers I feel all around me. Please help me.”
I waited in the silence. I almost decided to give up when I heard Him, God. He reminded me of the kind lady I had met in the hotel the night before. She was a praying mom and had felt led to pray for me and my children. He pointed out how her kindness was a reflection of his love. The next day I had bumped into her again, and she greeted me heartily. He again reminded me, that her love was a reflection of His love. In the midst of the undercurrent sorrow that Lena saw, He was there.
I don’t have a formula yet on how to walk out of sadness and get back to living life carefree. The heart doesn’t like to be rushed. So when the days seem gray with storm clouds I am reminded that God sends rainbows. Through Lena he spoke to my weariness with a “hello, I can see you.” In the middle of grieving, we don’t want to be seen, but God wants us to know that He sees past the perfectly painted smile or the mechanical response of “I’m fine.” In reality, I’m not "fine" I am finite and broken is as broken does.
So I guess, Abba Father, Daddy God could I just sit here with You and cry a bit. I am not sure if it will help, but I sure need to anyway.
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