It's Time to Go

   

   When the lights go down and everyone goes home I stand alone on the stage. Was I enough? It feels empty in that moment not just because the show is over, but because the void is never filled.  Why is it that I absorb the negative comments as part of my identity but the compliments just fall right off unto the ground?

   The soul is such a needy thing. Even in the holy place of worship, it can’t be completely filled it waits for something…Someone. Tonight as the dress rehearsal ended and excited voices decreased to the sound of the last door shutting I stood on the stage again. It is a place that I love and yet the emptiness climbed up the stairs and stood with me looking out at the vacant seats.

   "It’s time to go," I whispered. The ache in my back started to call out. In the busyness of scene change and light cue, I had forgotten to sit down. In the rush of schedule, I had forgotten to eat. Yes, it is time to go. With one more look out at the seats and balcony, I picked up my music book and walked out the door.

   The night sky hung lonely with a glittery moon looking down at the sad traveler. Why should my heart feel sad? It was a good rehearsal for a great service to come. The familiar question echoed in my head, “am I enough?”

    Sometimes I wonder how long I can sing. When I give it my all and feel such emptiness I wonder if my song has been sung and it’s time to hang up the act. But tonight on the first song, I felt like I still had the magic. I smiled as I open the door and sat down in the darkness while fumbling for the key.

    I have never felt old before, but lately, I have been. It seems like the culture of what I love to do is moving too fast for me. I always thought ministry was about people and helping them use their gifts for God, but I feel crammed into a different model that doesn’t seem to fit me. So I wonder was I ever meant to do this anyway.

But I felt the magic on the first song…I remind myself.

    I am not sure if anyone has the power to whisper confidence into my heart but the inventor of my soul. Psalm 139:13 “For you created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother’s womb…”

God, it’s me, Dianne. The van is running but I can’t seem to put it in gear. Are you through with me?

-Silence-

   The hum of the motor fills the still pensive moment. With a sigh, I turned on the radio. Somehow the song playing captured my attention as I pulled out of the parking lot…

When it feels like surgery
And it burns like third degree
And you wonder what is it worth?
When your insides breaking in
And you feel that ache again
And you wonder
What's giving birth?

    My swollen tummy reminds me that change is not only surrounding me but growing within. I guess I am not ready for change when I am actually walking in it. It feels so romantic when looking into the future and so nostalgic when looking back at the past. But in the driver’s seat, I feel lost even on the familiar road home.

   In my mind I still see the vacant seats and the balcony as the stage lights illuminate my lonely figure. Yes, it’s time to go.