Monday, June 29, 2020

Graduation Day

                                                                                         
   
      I remember when I became a parent I was confident. I was confident I was ready. I was 24 years-old. On maternity leave from a preschool teaching position, I was sure I had it all under wraps. The nursery in our little home was painted baby blue with little stars on the ceiling. Tiny clothes were folded with care and put into the refurbished dresser I painted to match the theme Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. 

         Then in the middle of the night on a Sunday morning my water broke. No more prepping for this baby boy, he was coming. I remember the excitement that I felt as we drove to the hospital before the labor became intense.  I didn't appreciate the nursing students that were invited into the room as I roared through the contractions. In the arms of the doctor his angry cry filled the room as he peed on the doctors shoes, a detail Isaiah would boast about later. 

I loved him instantly.  

          I hoped he would always be strong like he was in his first moments in this world. It must have felt bewildering to be pushed into bright light and cold air and loud voices. But when they gave him to me I cried. His tiny fist clutched instantly around my finger, he was mine.

          Four years later I held his hand as we entered the narrow hall toward his Preschool classroom. I had to let go to hang up his tiny backpack on the hook by his name printed neatly above his cubby. The teacher waited for us with a warm smile. I smiled down at him knowing tears threatened to appear. For a moment he struggled. Beyond his teacher the room was full of wonderful things and other children coloring, playing with plastic kitchen food, and handling puppets. He took in one more hug before he slowly joined the rest of the kids. I remember leaving that day sadly wondering where four years had gone.  

         Our home has never been quiet. After Isaiah, Elaina and Lydia came quickly. Isaiah was a good student. He knew his ABC's before the first day of preschool, in fact he could already read. We knew he was bright but also shy. We hoped he would fit in.

        How did the years fall like leaves on an autumn day? How did my my little brown haired boy grow up so quickly? I have a hard time writing about this present moment. Again he is standing at the door. Life is standing before my boy welcoming him to leave the nest I have worked hard to create these past eighteen years. As he puts on his graduation gown I smile bravely. He made it to this important milestone and I know from this point on I have to let go so that he can find his wings to fly.

       Any parent  reading this right now knows that this process though crucially important is also very difficult. I look up at his face and his slender frame towering above me at 6 Feet tall. His hugs are a precious gift though a little awkward now. I cherish the, Mom I love you I hear from his deepening voice.

        There is a pain in my heart. As the sense of the past 18 years surges through my memory bank. I sit in the stands in the high school gym. The air filled with the smell of hairspray, perfume, and hand sanitizer. As the families spread out keeping social distance we silently watch our sons and daughters file into the room to take their seats. Because of the pandemic of COVID 19 I didn't have to face this moment quite as early as normal. I am thankful for the last few months. I am thankful for the long conversations into the night.

         As a parent I am not as confident as I thought I would be. I realize that faith has played a huge part in raising this son. How I have hoped to get it right, and I pray for grace to cover the areas I got wrong. 

        As the Principle announces my first born's name I watch as he walks across the platform. The diploma is placed in his hand. For a moment I think back to the anticipation I felt on the night before his birth. Standing in his nursery. I remember how confident I had been before this adventure was born. 

      Now I hold my hands out to God and I release this boy. I pray, Lord watch over this precious son you have given me. I know he will now have to start his own journey in this world. And though tears are pressing I am confident that he will find his way. 


          
       
          

No comments:

Post a Comment