A Tale of Two Ministers

   

     We were young, energetic graduates of Central Bible College. We were newly-weds excited for our first official full-time position. On Friday, I finished up my last class. On Monday, the following week, we loaded the moving truck in Springfield, Missouri and headed off to Casper, Wyoming.

The trip was over 17 hours. We had planned to stay somewhere on the way. Unfortunately, all the hotels were booked from mid Nebraska all the way through the state of Wyoming, so we kept going.

     We were wonder struck by the black dotted sky on the long stretches of wilderness between small towns on the lonely road through Wyoming in the midnight hour. Surging with anticipation for our first ministry position, we chatted in the dark. Brad, my husband, would be the associate youth Pastor and I would be the youth secretary and worship leader.

     As we finally pulled into our new employer’s driveway the following morning, we were exhausted but eager to unload our few belongings in to 2^nd story apartment. By the following Sunday, we were settled, washed up, and ready to lead. Standing on the stage, next to our new Senior Pastor, I could read “In God’s work excellence is required” painted neatly on the sound booth on the back wall of the room. The Sanctuary was a dual purpose room. It also served as a gym, so the platform was also a theatrical stage. The florescent lights high above, were bright that morning as we stood facing our new congregation.

     We were finally here! Four years of college, countless pep talks, and late night studies. Brad was handed the microphone. “It is nice to be here. Dianne and I are so excited to get to know you…”

How can my mind trail off in a moment like this? But in God’s work excellence is required…is that a verse? I can’t remember that one.

     Our Pastor stood over six feet tall with dyed black hair. Recalling our stay as guests in his home, he smiled. In his old-west cowboy voice he said matter-of-factly, “In the morning, if you can be neat and tidy in the bathroom without  leaving even a trace of tooth paste on the sink, than you’re hired.” We all clapped, but I felt puzzled at his strange introduction. After the message and my solo from cassette tape, the service was over.

     On week two, the meetings began on Mondays. Brad and I sat on the Pastor’s leather couch as we reviewed the week of ministry. We soon learned in this small community and in our church there were many needs.

     The notes began: Dianne, you missed a spot on the bathroom counter before Sunday night church. I expect you to do an “Excellent” job, keeping it tidy!

Brad, you look sloppy, clean yourself up!

     After such meetings I felt confused. No matter how we sang and preached, the notes we received were about how we looked, or cleaned, and how we fared in congregant opinion.

We lacked excellence.

     As the weeks passed, the work load steadily increased. After psyching ourselves up we would take our seat on the leather couch and receive another dish of criticism. Soon words were crafted to pit me against Brad, leaving us both feeling dejected and mad at each other.

Dianne to Brad: why did you overlook the wrappers in the hallway?

Brad to Dianne: he’s mad at you because you didn’t line the chairs up right in the last 3 rows. You just have to try harder.

     Weeks bled into each other, as our one day off each week, got eaten away by worried conversations, exhaustion, and extra expectations. Whatever a sabbatical was supposed to be, had apparently died with the Old Covenant, because in God’s work now excellence is required.

     In November, on a Monday morning, I slunk into the leather couch knowing I had nowhere to hide from the black-eyed stare. As he started his list of fails I began to scream. I don’t know what I said, but I knew I couldn’t stay to hear it one more second. My heart physically hurt from the pressure I felt. I ran out, I kept going, out to my car. A pack of 30 antelope lifted their heads to watch the hysterical young minister who was presently losing her wits.

     Somehow my value had been narrowed to how many spots I left on the bathroom sink at 5:00 PM before worship practice. And how could I marry such a “dope?” Brad’s failings were listed out and added to each week. We weren’t making the cut. I couldn’t take it anymore. 

     As I sobbed in my car the windows began to steam up. It was cold which helped a little to cool the fire in my heart. Complete bewilderment flooded my thoughts, what now? We had studied four years for this opportunity, in four months I was already crushed. As I cried out to God he felt a million stars away.

“But God, I gave my life to you,” angry tears blinded, “and this is all I can do, breakdown?” “I can’t be excellent! I fail and I fail…I am pathetic.”

     It was self-pity, but it was as if this mentor God had placed over us, had laced our pancakes with arsenic, his words were a slow eating disease.

     We hung on, mostly because of Brad’s iron will. Whatever youthful joy I had stepping down from the moving truck had been stripped away. Like a well-greased engine I was able to sing songs, clean bathrooms, visit new families, help with the youth group, and reach bus kids. All the time, my heart was Shut up, locked away, behind closed doors. In God’s work excellence is required. Sometimes I pictured my tombstone, because I knew I couldn’t take much more criticism. I felt on the verge of walking away from the ministry all together.

     On February 14^th we were called in and let go. I look back at that day as a day of rejoicing- Finally!

     So what does God really say? “Whatever your task, work at it heartily (from the soul) as [something done] for the Lord and not for men,” Colossians 3:23 Amplified Bible.

     In the pursuit to be enough for this Pastor all the joy of serving God had been lost. But when we pulled away from Casper, Wyoming that spring I had a seed of hope. Maybe God wasn’t through with me yet. His most Excellency, the King of Kings, was still speaking kindly to this misfit, this failure to please man.

     Brad did find a new youth Pastor position in Waterloo, Iowa. This started a season of healing. But in the recesses of my mind I still feared: “In God’s work Excellence is required.”